going green...or not

i would say this is a few years late, but my employer finally has decided to "go green". and how were we made aware of this? well, for starters, the big posters that were printed out and hung throughout our building, on each floor. and in case you didn't see those, the bulletins with tips on "going green" that are hung in the bathrooms and cafe will surely catch your eye.

we have a company blog. it's the centerpiece of our homepage, and to stick with theme of "going green", the feature blog this week expresses why it's important for us to "go green". take a look at tip # 2: Don't be a Paper Pusher - the average U.S. office worker goes through 10,000 sheets of copy paper a year. Make it a habit to think before you print: ask yourself , "could this be read online?" Make it a habit to print on both sides or use the back side of old documents for faxes, scrap paper, or drafts. Avoid color printing and print in draft mode whenever feasible.

so here's the comment i posted on the blog. because i mean, this is just ridiculous.

In light of our office's movement to "go green", I think it would be beneficial if the information and alerts came via email. Monday morning when I arrived on the 3rd floor and saw the "going green" poster, I immediately had mixed emotions. My initial thought was, "yay…finally!". But that was quickly followed up with me wondering why this announcement was being made on a PAPER POSTER. Today I have noticed more paper bulletins posted in the bathrooms and cafes.

While I understand that these things will grab everyone's attention, I think it is counterproductive. Using paper to notify people of way to "be green" is somewhat hypocritical, don't ya think? I am not going to act as though I am 100% paper free, but I can say that (since my teenage years) I have made a conscious effort to reduce the amount of paper products that I use. Restricting the amount of paper we use is just one of the many ways to make sure that we are friendlier to our environment, but in my opinion it's the easiest way for us to cut back.

The paper printouts are already there, so unless one of you owns a Delorean, I am expecting that they will remain. The intent of this is not to shun the efforts that are being put forth, but just to shred light on how much we mindlessly use paper. Perhaps for the remainder of the week, the tips can come electronically only?

so apparently i am the only person at this company who wasn't blind and deaf in the 80's because the reference to the delorean has confused everyone. jesus work sucks.

will 2 girls 1 cup ever go away?

okay. if you haven't seen 2 girls 1 cup, i would say don't watch it. but if you are like me, then by the end of this you are going to search for it until you find it and watch it, then realize why i warned you not to. i only watched it because i was sick and fucking tired of hearing about it and not having a fucking clue what the hype was all about. that, and my friend, rick, was insistent upon me viewing the fucking thing. so...when i finally watched it i did what everyone else does--scream and gag. well, wait, i am sure there are several sick fucks who beat off to the damn thing...but there are also people who fuck sheep so go figure.

last week--months after our learning about it and finally watching it--jarrett sent me this link. quite hilarious. today i was deleting old emails, came across the link and decided to send it to a few people. i copied the link.

and then i got distracted. and then i talked to a patient's mother. and then i think that i copied a note that i wrote documenting details regarding the patient's treatment status, opened the patient notes page in the database and hit ctrl+V then save, then...BUM, BUM, BUUUUM...i see that what i actually copied and pasted and SAVED into this patient's fucking file was the link to the 2 girls 1 cup cake.

hey...no biggie right? wrong. this information can't be removed. it downloads to the pharmaceutical company's website for provider's to access and check the patient's status. so now, whoever has any reason to check this patient's status (e.g. anyone of my coworkers or managers, the pharmaceutical sales force, the doctor's office) they will see the link, think it has something to do with the patient's file, click it and bam....they will get a picture of a cake with 2 girls making out and a solo cup of icing feces. great.

fuck it. i wanted a way out of the corporate world anyways. now i just sit and bide my time.

fuck the man

not that i needed another piece of evidence that loudly screamed, "BROOKE, YOU ARE NOT MEANT FOR THE CORPORATE WORLD", but i was provided with one today anyway.

you know that interview i had the other day...the one for the position that i REALLY wanted because i am starting to loathe my job more and more each day? well i had a follow-up meeting with the interviewer today and it went something like this:

him: your experience is very impressive. you have a great worth ethic, great production, great quality. the interview went very well. you seemed very confident and provided me with ample reasons that you would be a great candidate for this position. however, the person that we went with has been here for 8 years.

me: oh, well that makes sense.

him: don't let this discourage you. there will be more opportunities available soon.

me: not discouraged...i obviously can't compete with 8 years of experience (eight years ago i was going to one class a week, using a fake id to get into bars after having already downed a 12 pack, thinking that $5 in my bank account meant that i wasn't poor, snorting ritalin like it was the new cocaine, and working 3 hours a week in order to put gas in my car-oh wait, i still had my parents' gas card then so scratch that).

him: if i could give you one piece of advice it would be that next time you interview, send the person an email afterwards thanking him/her for their time.

me: oh...that seems a little like brown-nosing to me

him: haha...well it kinda is, but that's not necessarily a bad thing

me: haha, well, yeah...i am not a brown-noser

him: when in rome....

so with that i wandered back to my cube thinking about how this is the second time an employer of mine has told me to kiss ass. and this is a second time i made it clear that i would not do so. i mean, is there no such thing as getting somewhere because you FUCKING DESERVE TO? if kissing ass is part of my job description then by all means point me to the fine print and i will either oblige or be on my way. but, if you want to give someone feedback don't let it be about the fact that they didn't put whip cream and a cherry on the tip of your dick before they sucked it.

during my last year-end review, i received similar feedback. i was once again told that i was a great employee, great performer, blah blah blah (i mean, they can't argue with the numbers), but i was told in this little session that i need to smile more. and beyond that, they said, "well, some of the people you have mentored are intimidated by you. you don't come off as a very approachable person". i responded saying, "well, i am here to work and get my job done in the most efficient and effective way possible...i am not really sure how stopping to plan coworkers' baby showers really fits into that".

oh, how naive of me to think that they would actually want someone who makes sure to be an asset to the company. that place is like walking around at a sorority party where everyone is supposed to indulge in small talk about how tan people are and celebrity gossip. one day when i was diligently at work, i am interrupted by a girl yelling, "HEATH LEDGER JUST DIED". so i say, "who the fuck is that"? you would have thought that i stabbed someone in the face and sucked their eyeballs right out of their skull.

god that place fucking sucks. but i have a feeling it's like that in most cube farms.

in related news...god doesn't exist.

this guy needs his own blog

what a strange dynamic the two that share an office behind me have. every day, every SINGLE FUCKING DAY, when i get here at 8 am, the first hour (at least) of my day is filled with me trying to work over the babbling from these two. they are both men, they are both married with children, they are both on the IT team, they both apparently complete each other's day. there's chatty cathy-the one who does most of the talking- and his com padre who sits there and listens diligently. i wouldn't give a shit, i mean, people visit with one another all the time in this place, but the guy is loud. there is no reason why i should be able to hear every word that comes out of his mouth. i know little details about his son's each and every baseball game. i know about his dad's battle with cancer. i know that last friday he was grilling out with his neighbor and that on saturday he mowed his father's lawn. i know what time he goes to bed at night and what time he plans to rise the next morning. i also know that when his son lost a game recently the kid started crying and all about the life lesson he expected his son to gain from tee-ball. i think that he should have told his son to get over it because you can't win every fucking game and crying about it is going to give you a whole other set of reasons to cry...like the fact that no one wants you on their team because you are a pussy.

now for the listener. he can't possibly enjoy having all this information shelled out to him each day, like fucking clockwork. he doesn't ever add to the conversation or ask questions or laugh (because nothing is fucking funny), so why entertain the guy? he has a wife at home who SHOULD be his friend and companion, so why come unload everything on you each morning? quiet guy has been sick and coughing up all kinds of shit...i am sure that he could enjoy some peace and quiet once in a while. so why doesn't he just stop entertaining chatty cathy?

so...i have been in this location for over a month now and i have just wondered. but just now when i was coming back from the bathroom the quiet guy was trying to walk away and chatty cathy was at the door like a fucking puppy dog talking about what he has to do in the morning so he might be late and so he doesn't know when he will see him and blah blah blah, and i am like, go fuck each other already. and you don't want to do that, then how about help me get some of this work done since it's obviously not evenly distributed around this place.

wow. had to vent.

another day in the life of working for the man

8:45 am
i can say, with more confidence than anything else that has ever parted these lips (or fingertips i guess), that i do not want to work today. i would give someone a blow job to be able to go home. fuck, i would give someone a kidney. the operating room sounds more appealing than this fucking cubicle. oh. and it’s not even 9 am. damn the man!!

8:52 am
i just read this article and thought it was interesting. i kinda want to go to amazon.com and buy the orwell book that it's referring to, but i guarantee that when it arrived in the mail i would open it and be like, "why the fuck did i order this"???

9:00 am
i was so focused on hydrating myself (mmmm, black cherry propel, you complete me) this morning that i forgot to put in a sublime cd. and my ipod is here with me, but not my ear buds. so right now i am staring at a cold metal song bank that is absolutely worthless. is it lunch time yet?

9:02
i just got a meeting planner for an interview for the job i posted for friday. so that's exciting. but then i realized that the interview is this afternoon. that sucks. maybe i should go home on my lunch and come back not looking so much like someone who went out to celebrate a mexican holiday last night. i have booze seeping from my pores.

10:08
smokey time!
so, about this smoke break: i was with 3 others and this one girl opens her cell phone and shoves it in my face and goes, "look at my new kitten" and i said, "i don't like cats, get that thing out of my face". then we went on about our business. the girl w/ the cat went inside before the rest of us and the 2 other people were like, "oh my god, i was trying not to laugh when you said that, that was so hilarious...you are so rude...did you see her face…hahaha"...and i am thinking to myself...all i said was that i don't like cats, get that sh*t out of my face. am i supposed to entertain this girl by pretending that i give a rat's a$$ about her freaking cat??? i have about 2 fake sentences that i can say a week and one of them is surely not going to be wasted on cooing at a picture of a kitten on a fucking cell phone. excuse the shit out of me.

12:50
wow. that was the longest lunch ever. i was able to grab some lunch, take a shower, drop off a prescription and argue with the pharmacy tech about how he doesn’t know what the hell is talking about. all in an hour!! oh, and i finally listened to some sublime.

1:56
the woman near me (with the boston accent that just won't quit) just said "adminstruation" rather than "administration". what a dumb bitch.
i wonder if biggie is somewhere in the sky floating on his own big white fluffy jacuzzi cloud with mad bitches, getting a kick out of the fact that two crackers are blogging about his rivalry with tupac. god we are such fucking dorks.

1:59
you know how sometimes you realize that there is nothing else that could possibly distract you from doing any work so you just kinda look around waiting for something to pop out at you (like when you open the fridge for the eighth time (god eighth is such a weird word) even though you know that there is only a bottle of ketchup and you suddenly have a flashback of your father screaming from 4 rooms away, “close the god damn refrigerator...do you think something is magically going to appear since the time you opened it a whole 3 seconds ago". then i would say, “well god, why doesn’t someone go grocery shopping”, and he would respond, “WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB AND GO GET YOUR OWN DAMN GROCERIES” and i would say, “because i am thirteen dad….GODDAAA”. then my mom would tell us to quit yelling and order a pizza, which my brother would eat the majority of and my dad would bitch about because it gives him heartburn.
wow. so um, the point of that was this: you look around like the walls of your cube are at any moment going to engage you in conversation and save you from having to do some shit you don’t want to do. but then you realize that they are tired today and don’t feel like talking to you, so you give in and decide to do some work to pass the time. then you get distracted when you are trying to convey such a simple idea and the next thing you know you have relived 72 nights of your high school life…but not the good ones when you sneaked out or drank yourself retarded or ran over mailboxes or lied about going to the zoo in columbia when you were really going with your whore friend for her to get an abortion, but the ones when your dad’s temper made you think that you were on the verge of becoming a victim in the town’s first quadruple homicide. what the fuck am i talking about? god damn i need ritalin again. just one more script please?

3:38
dear god, it’s me brooke. that might have been the best interview ever. although i have never prayed a day in my life, and only entered your houses of the holy on two occasions (oh wait, make that 3, i had to sing in a church in nyc when i was 15) will you please give me this job?

see what i did there folks. i asked for god to give me the job. if i don’t get it, i can use this posting as proof that he does not exist…or that he’s not listening to me, in which case i could say that he must not love me and the god that you believe in is supposed to love all his children so either i am a vampire and just don’t know it yet, or god doesn’t exist….or he doesn’t love everyone and he clearly has beef with white people or southerners or females…or drunks or hippies or 20-somethings or people who cuss like sailors or people who don’t want to reproduce….jesus i fall into a lot of categories.oh, and p.s.-i won’t find out about the position until next week. fuck i hate waiting.

4:34
and look at that. it’s almost time to run wild!