about a fart...

perhaps you read this post which gives you a slight background of why farts are funny to me...not rude or disgusting. well, wait, they can be disgusting...but whatever.

well today, when i arrived at work i had separate emails from my mom and dad. it was one of those emails with a bunch of random questions, that you complete and send and the idea is for people to respond with their answers.

one of the questions was "what is your favorite sound", to which my dad responded, "a good fart". i laughed until i cried, then i called my mom to tell her and she was like, "um, i'm at work".

then later, i came across this site, and well, all i can say is that's fucking hilarious. whenever i am missing my dad (or my friend jeremy), i can just go there and pull a finger all day long and listen to the sounds of flatulence.

adam sandler

okay. i am drunk. i just happened to come across this article while i sit and wait for my lean pocket to cool to a temperature that won't burn off my tongue.

and let me just say...i hate when ANY shit is talked about this actor. let's be realistic people. he's a saturday night live-er. what is up with the people who judge him so harshly? what is up with people analyzing the character THAT HE PLAYS? hey, have you ever heard of a thing called comedy? have you ever heard of a thing called entertainment? that is why we have people like adam sandler (and jim carrey). if you're worried about his depiction of american men then go fuck yourself. i hope you make it long enough to see us all go down in a nuclear fury.

okay...i am getting out of control. but seriously...when did people get so fucking serious? if you want to critique take a look at someone like jack nicholson. i mean...i know that he has had his fair share of laid back roles more recently...but his career didn't start off in the lime light of saturday night sketch comedy. and you know what this bitch said to me at the gym the other night? as good as it gets was on one of the tv's...and she literally was like, oh, this is a cute movie but he is such an asshole in real life. REALLY?? oh, so you know him? you have had a dinner party or two, to which he was invited, and i guess he showed up and shit on your floor and used your doily to wipe his ass with? and even if he is an asshole...who the fuck cares. guess what, johnny carson was quite the douche and he had no problems raking in the ratings for his late night show. guess who else is a douche? our president. okay...i am going to leave it at that.

the point is...these people are actors. they are famous. adam sandler is the shit. i don't care what anyone says, he is funny, but also very capable of playing a diverse role...just take a look at punch drunk love and reign over me. so for everyone who wants to be the judge and criticize and downplay someone's success...go fuck yourself. who are you anyways? play the lead in one...JUST ONE role, and then tell us how sorry of an actor everyone else is. and let us know when you have found your personality...we would be much more fond of you if you had one.

i need side rails for my bed

did you know that you are more likely to be killed by falling out of bed than by freezing to death? i just find this really hard to believe. i mean, do that many people fatally fall 2-5 feet to the floor? is there are secret underworld of people who require homes with cathedral ceilings so their beds can stand 25 feet tall?

okay, so your chance of falling out of bed and dying are only 1 in 2 million, but with 6.7 billion people in the world that means that 3350 have been killed by falling out of their beds. that just seems a little ridiculous to me. maybe the "fall" was actually a little push by a frustrated nurse? perhaps the father of a toddler had just had enough and "forgot" to reattach the side rail for the top bunk?

so...you have the same chance of death by tornado or death by lightening as death by falling out of bed. i just can't wrap my head around this one. and wouldn't you think that more people would freeze to death? i mean, think of all the hikers and campers and ice fishers. think about avalanches and children who climb into refrigerators (like that one episode of punky brewster). think about people who go to saranac lake without a sleeping bag and get so wasted that they pass out in the cold air. oh wait, i survived. maybe it is harder to freeze to death. but think about all the mother's who freeze their babies. it seems like that would occur more often than rolling around during a nightmare, falling off the bed and hitting your temple on the corner of the bedside table hard enough to take your life. bedrooms should be big mattresses. beds are so freakin dangerous.

what were they thinking?

my friend, eve, sent me this link today of the 50 worst album covers. let me just say that it's too funny not to share. they are all random and heinous as all fucking hell. i went through them several times to try and pick my favorite...but how do you choose between a hand less organist and old ladies covered in sour cream?

just kill me

this, folks, is when i would seriously have to amputate my own leg. not because i was hiking through the woods and stepped on a bear trap. not because i lost a bet on a potato sack race. not because one of my legs could save a million amputees. no. it would be this.

where the fuck are we again? oh...that place where freedom is all the rave. fucking forcing someone sober????

okay, for all you member of m.a.d.d...calm the fuck down. i don't drive drunk (anymore). and it is unfortunate when someone's life is taken by a drunk driver. i had a friend in high school who was. but it's also unfortunate when children are molested, yet you don't wrap a device around creepy old man's dick to alert you anytime he is aroused and has an increased pulse rate.

why not put the interlock in this guy's car? that seems to work for plenty. he didn't kill anyone. just because you are a terrible drunk driver doesn't mean you should never have the luxury of enjoying a brew. but then again, this argument is coming from the angle of a raging alcoholic...so go figure.

a new marijuana

i don't know what is in the shit that kids are smoking these days, but back when i was lighting up with a few friends we didn't have the energy to rewind the vhs to rewatch our favorite scene in half baked...much less go dig up a body to make a bong out of it's skull. weird.

show me your clit ring

this is stupid. Australia's most populous state will ban young teenagers from having intimate body piercings, with authorities saying on Thursday that the health risks from the fashion trend were too great. but what's even more stupid is this guy, New South Wales Community Services Minister Kevin Greene, who says, "Personally, I can't see why any child under the age of 16 would want to expose their genitalia to a stranger just to fulfil the needs of a fashion or a trend." can someone in sydney alert this man that the majority of these people are getting these piercings for purposes of sexual pleasure? if it was for the sake of fashion i think it would be somewhere that people could actually see it. oh, not to mention that it's their fucking right to do whatever the fuck they want with thier own bodies.

can i borrow your phone to call my lawnmower?

what is this about? a lawnmower that you can message using your phone??? oh yeah, it's about the fact that people are lazy as hell, and have stretching lawns that they don't step foot on but feel they need as a claim of their own little american dream. why use a push mower when you can just sit your ass on a riding one? and why do either when you can just call your little yard robot and have him do it? you would be much better off paying the neighborhood lawn boy $20 bucks a week to cut the yard. or getting off your own ass and doing it. what? that's crazy talk!!! i know. silly me. now enjoy another real world marathon and don't move a muscle.




and while i am on the subject of robots doing human jobs, check out this bad boy. apparently a spray from his water cannon is enough to scare off the loitering. but what i don't get is this: the man who invented this robot is a mere bar owner who has a remote control that directs this big hunk of metal through downtown atlanta. what the hell gives that asshole the right to shoo away anyone? if they aren't in his bar or on his property, then should he have anything to say about it? not to mention the fact that this mobilized eye sore is all over everyone's turf, and if my driveway was there i don't think i would really go for that. but it would definitely be funny to sit perched in a window and take pictures of the interactions. i could have a series and have a gallery opening called crackhead vs. bum bot-the beginning of atlanta's underground militia.

gas or botox? it's just such a hard decision

all i can say is hallelujah. in case you don't know how i feel about plastic surgery here ya go...i fucking hate it. we are a shallow society that is teaching next generations all the wrong values.

hi, i'm a dumb fucking cunt who is with you for your money and talks to your best friends about how small your penis is. i also don't plan on ever working a day in my life because i have you to do that for me. i am going to divorce you in two years and take you for all you're worth, so enjoy this estate while you can. oh, and i need another 40,000 for my butt implants that i will be getting tomorrow. what? you want me to suck your cock? oh my god! i just sucked the pool boy's, isn't that enough for one day?

anyways, i am happy to know that there has been a decline in surgeries because of our current economic issues. but then, you still have bitches who "...would rather have Botox than go out to dinner".

amazing.

yay for more comedy via mcfarlane renderings

seth mcfarlane (i am in love with his brain, by the way) has a new cartoon, Cleveland, coming out on fox. it's a spin-off of family guy and i am sure it will be fucking hilarious. that made my day.

i just wish the title of this post could be an audio clip

please listen to this child. i swear he is cracking me up.


news guy: did you know you could kill someone
pot bellied 7 year old: yeah, but i wanted to do hoodrat things with my friends

why the beef with jesus?

i mean...this kid is fucking hilarious. i just laughed for at least 12 minutes. i am agnostic, so i am not trying to beat anyone with the bible, but seriously...you wanna go to die, go to heaven and kill jesus? shit that's funny.

can we trade family dysfunctions?

slate magazine has an "ask prudence" article that i read every now and then, mainly because she is often times a smart ass bitch, although she is supposedly the queen of all manners and morals.

today i came across it and i would like to extend the GOD YOUR LIFE MUST BE REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT AWARD to the person that sent in this question:

Dear Prudie
Would it be considered bad manners to eat popcorn in the following way: to take a handful (about five pieces) from the bowl with one hand and eat the popcorn one piece at a time with the other hand? The reason given for doing it this way is to keep the hand used to eat the popcorn out of the bowl. The reason given to think it is rude is that it is considered hoarding. Are there any given ideas for eating this kind of food from a shared community bowl? My family has been fighting over this for 14 years.
—The Popcorns

give me a minute. i have to gather myself. wow, another laughing fit. okay, so...um, what??? so two logical solutions would be to buy the new mini-bags and each have your own, or just pour it into several bowls or napkins. but MY suggestion would be this: the next time you and your family of crazies gather around a bowl of popcorn, pull down your pants and blow diarrhea into all of their faces. make sure you have taken lots of laxatives and practice a few times beforehand to ensure that you can do this quickly, before they have time to move out of range. that way, you can join the millions of families who fight about things like whether or not uncle johnny really molested tina in the treehouse, why aunt sue got the majority of the inheritance, and now, why beth would do such a thing as defecate on the family popcorn.

see prudie's response (which is a much softer way of saying you are a moron).