mishaps of a misanthrope

going green...or not

2008-07-01T18:08:00.002-04:00

i would say this is a few years late, but my employer finally has decided to "go green". and how were we made aware of this? well, for starters, the big posters that were printed out and hung throughout our building, on each floor. and in case you didn't see those, the bulletins with tips on "going green" that are hung in the bathrooms and cafe will surely catch your eye.

we have a company blog. it's the centerpiece of our homepage, and to stick with theme of "going green", the feature blog this week expresses why it's important for us to "go green". take a look at tip # 2: Don't be a Paper Pusher - the average U.S. office worker goes through 10,000 sheets of copy paper a year. Make it a habit to think before you print: ask yourself , "could this be read online?" Make it a habit to print on both sides or use the back side of old documents for faxes, scrap paper, or drafts. Avoid color printing and print in draft mode whenever feasible.

so here's the comment i posted on the blog. because i mean, this is just ridiculous.

In light of our office's movement to "go green", I think it would be beneficial if the information and alerts came via email. Monday morning when I arrived on the 3rd floor and saw the "going green" poster, I immediately had mixed emotions. My initial thought was, "yay…finally!". But that was quickly followed up with me wondering why this announcement was being made on a PAPER POSTER. Today I have noticed more paper bulletins posted in the bathrooms and cafes.

While I understand that these things will grab everyone's attention, I think it is counterproductive. Using paper to notify people of way to "be green" is somewhat hypocritical, don't ya think? I am not going to act as though I am 100% paper free, but I can say that (since my teenage years) I have made a conscious effort to reduce the amount of paper products that I use. Restricting the amount of paper we use is just one of the many ways to make sure that we are friendlier to our environment, but in my opinion it's the easiest way for us to cut back.

The paper printouts are already there, so unless one of you owns a Delorean, I am expecting that they will remain. The intent of this is not to shun the efforts that are being put forth, but just to shred light on how much we mindlessly use paper. Perhaps for the remainder of the week, the tips can come electronically only?

so apparently i am the only person at this company who wasn't blind and deaf in the 80's because the reference to the delorean has confused everyone. jesus work sucks.

sir links a lot

2008-06-27T16:27:00.002-04:00

What?? Who knows? But here is some shit I saw today that sparked my interest.

man holds up store with banana!
that’s just fucking funny. i mean, what more do you need to know? just let your imagination create it’s own visual because that’s fucking hilarious. now go here to read the full article because there are other weird stories included.

oh my god…is it true? 70’s inspired attire for baby?
calm the fuck down. i am not pregnant nor do i ever plan to procreate. but i was reading an article about being a “green” mom today (which i was only reading because one of my best friends just had a baby and she is environmentally aware) that referenced the organic baby clothes you can find here. and if there is something that i love it’s the colors and fashion from the 70’s. now put your baby in a brown-trimmed aqua jumper and start using cotton diapers!!!

Drank it! people are funny.
okay…so this “slow your roll” drink is hilarious…and it’s been in the news for a while. but I finally took the time (because I was bored out of my mind) to read the comments that people posted here. god people just crack me the fuck up. some people just have to take EVERY FUCKING THING UNDER THE SUN seriously, while others don’t give a fuck about shit. i love the lack of balance in people. it’s great.

and while i am on the topic of people’s comments, and people who take shit too seriously…check out the comments here. i mean, i like coldplay. i am white. i am not offended by this man’s article. why? because who gives a fuck? the people who are offended probably fit the mold he has defined. if not they wouldn’t be defending themselves to the death like the author just accused them of sexually molesting an eight month old. so, you like coldplay…go listen to it and fucking chill. maybe you need some DRANK.

um…this is just cool.

and this is just gross. let me point out a few things from the article. the girl’s attorney, Gerald Yoakum, said the teen didn’t realize she was giving birth. She was 35 to 36 weeks pregnant. um…that’s fucking almost 9 months. if somehow you made it that far without noticing that you were pregnant, you are sure as hell going to figure it out WHEN A BABY COMES OUT OF YOUR VAGINA. this girl is 14 and she should be forced by the government to have her tubes tied. oh, but that’s not civil. what IS civil is having a baby in a fucking bathroom stall and trying to flush it down the fucking toilet. i wonder how many of her spawn we are going to end up feeding before it’s all said and done and she dies of aids. oh, was that insensitive?

speaking of birth control (kinda), check this out. what the fuck? i had to get the morning after pill before you could just walk in to a pharmacy and ask for it. so i went to urgent care and was questioned about what happened? did the condom break? quite frankly it's none of your business. what i can assure you of is the fact that there was sperm in my vaginal canal during the time that i believe myself to be ovulating. if the sperm is fully functioning it most likely made it's way into the uterus, and if my ovaries are fully functioning, there was most likely an egg waiting to soak up one of the little tadpoles. there are you medical facts fuckers. i think everyone against abortion or birth control should apply those feelings only to themselves, or start going to walmart more often so they can see all the human wastes of space that are currently roaming the globe.

flashback!

2008-06-26T20:13:00.002-04:00

so...as you can see, i haven't been blogging as much lately. and i just hate to leave my faithful readers with no new material. i mean, you guys are counting on me to help you get through 5 minutes of what seem to be your never-ending eight hour days in cube world. but there's a problem--the summer is going to be a busy one.

tomorrow i am heading to the beach. next weekend my bro is getting married. in the same weekend i will spend lots of time visiting a best bud who just had a baby, and shopping around for a new car with my dad. the next weekend is my bday and god only knows where i will be then. 5 days later i will be taking a road-trip to upstate ny. then the next weekend it's back to the beach. before you know it, it's football season, during which ALL of my weekends are booked. seriously. i don't do anything during football season other than drink and watch football. oh, except this year i am going to a wedding in jamaica in october. i will be missing the clemson/gtech game but that's a sacrifice i had to make. but there is some kind of wedding curse with that game anyway. my uncle got married on the day of that game the season before last, and my brother and dad told my mom to forget it...so i got guilt-tripped into going. i snuck away from the reception in time to make it to the hotel and watch the game. then last season another friend got married on that day, and i missed the wedding. it was at a time when i wouldn't have been able to catch the game on tv so there was no chance. wow...so yeah, maybe i should write a blog about my obsession with college football.

okay, so through all that rambling, the point is this: i am not one of those people who carts around my laptop everywhere i go. basically because it's not like i fucking need it. it's a way for me to overcome boredom when i am at home. not a lifeline or some shit. so how am i going to entertain (hopefully) my readers during all these busy times? oh...with some flashbacks!

i save emails. i don't know why, but i would guess it's because i know that if they will be good memories. so i have archives of shit that i wrote, usually to jarrett, during the pre-rehab days. so yeah, they are mostly me rambling about drinking, or the chaos from the night before...blah, blah blah. there was a point in time when i was going to the bar every single night, and i decided that i needed to start writing summaries of the evening on the back of my bar tab. yeah. then i found them a few months later and was like, "shit, i forgot i did that". so the first FLASHBACK (yeah!) will feature a few of those. wow...i could have just cut out the first 1000 words of this...but whatever.

The receipt, 02/06-Already tanked from watching the Duke/UNC game @ Wild Wing we head to Gin Mill to meet Josh’s friend from down under. She was very mellow, but me, Jason and Jeff talked about Noblesboro and Bonnaroo. Jarrett and the aussie talked about who knows what. Josh told me I was mean to him when I am drunk-I told him, “shut the f*ck up you sorry sack of sh*t”-not really-that was a joke.

The receipt, 3/1/06-I had just gotten back from a road trip to NY the day before at 2 am. Went to work the next morning @ 8-worked all day. Dreamt all day about my bed, but sure enough I head to the bar. 5 beers and 3 shots later we were giving the guy who has been stalking me a ride home. My beligerant ass pulls into his driveway and notices a trampoline off to the right. 2 seconds later I am jumping and convincing J and the stalker to join. A few laughs and many bruises later I am laying there getting molested. 3 am we are home and work is in 4 hours.

The receipt, 2/14/06-Valentines Day! J & I head to Thomas St Tavern. It was seriously uneventful. Therefore we were easily convinced by MK to journey down to Rock Hill-we drank the rest of my tequila on the way. At Rock City Tavern I was clearly wasted and took about 40 business cards off the corkboard in the restroom-proceeded to call a random plumber (telling him there was an urgent leak in some pipe) and a realtor who I convinced that I just got a sh*t ton of $ in an inheritance and needed a mansion w/ an indoor pool (and so on). This all through my slurred speech at midnight. Then we made Bonnaroo plans and carried on.

so those are the only ones i could find in email...pretty fucking boring actually. you could always spend time writing your own blog.

the tormented mind of an alcoholic

2008-06-25T18:36:00.002-04:00

my friend jeremy and i had a text message discussion today that went like this:

2 pm
jeremy: code blue
me: already?
jeremy: always
me: sweet!
jeremy: what has 2 arms and 2 legs and sucks?
me: me?
jeremy: what is brown and sticky?
me: um, maple syrup
jeremy: no, a stick

okay...so that basically makes no sense. code blue means it's time for a coors light. so...while i was living my normal humdrum day in my little cubicle, there's a trigger delivered to my inbox. so now i want to drink. and now, almost 5 hours later, i am sitting here trying to rationalize why it's a good decision to break up my routine of working out every night (which has not been successful because of constant interruptions involving getting wasted) to go drink. and there's really not one...but here's the one i came up with: i worked out the last 2 nights, and i am going to work out friday morning, since i am leaving for the beach right after work. so clearly, wednesday (since it's in the middle of the week) is the perfect day to tie a buzz on because i will still be hitting the gym tomorrow and friday. but the truth is this: it could have been monday or tomorrow and i would still come up with a reason why it's a good idea for me to drink. i mean, who would say that going to the gym is more fun than getting fucked up? probably someone who has an equally obsessive mind...just with a healthier motive. blah blah blah...i am rambling. the point is i want to get fucked up. imagine that.

how i know i am getting fucking old

2008-06-25T18:21:00.003-04:00

for starters, the majority of my mail now consists of wedding invitations, baby shower invitations or baby announcements. i mean, i am glad to not have as many debt collectors wasting paper on my ass...but still.

the fact that my car broke down during my last trip to nyc, and has had other problems since, has prevented me from driving anywhere i want to go...even the beach, 3 hours away. had this been 2002, i would fucking drive it anyways, never thinking about how much it would suck if i was stranded on the side of the interstate or the fact that i need to get something for a trade in. i mean shit, when i had my old altima i drove that shit until the wheels practically fell off. by the time i traded it in, the grill was gone, the back windows wouldn't roll down, the ac hadn't worked for 2 years, the oil had been leaking for 4, the sunroof was leaking...you name it. it cut off more often than it cranked (i know that's not possible...just making a point here).

more time is spent reminiscing about good ol' times than creating new ones. for example, last night my friend laura lee and i had a long ass discussion that mostly consisted of stories from nights like when we got kicked out of a condo and moved 14 people into a hotel room where the keg found a home in the shower. or when a night at the bar turned into a night of complete chaos where everyone ended up showered by beer, stoned, and off to another place to take icy shots of tequila. now everyone needs a written invitation 8 months in advance to participate in a weekend of insanity. it sucks.

i actually feel like i need health insurance. i am getting old.

yeah...so, this could go on, but i am going to stop here because i am starting to depress myself. getting older is inevitable, but becoming a boring creature of habit, not willing to take any chances doesn't have to be. there must be some other people out there like me who aren't willing to give in to the endless cycle...maybe?

i fucking suck

2008-06-23T21:54:00.004-04:00

sorry to those 23 of you who come here everyday. i have been busy doing stuff like traveling, missing weddings and trying to find a new car. oh, and working. i had a minute (actually an hour) to enjoy a thunderstorm this weekend. i tried to add that video but blogger is being fucking retarded and i don't have the energy to deal with that right now.

i also got a chance to play the best game ever...circle of death. there are a ridiculous number of versions so if you don't like the game it's because you haven't played the right rules. i would like to thank the manual settings on my camera, and jeremy for holding the flashlight.

i am also occupying my time making some very important mix cd's for some very important people...and obviously am neglecting my blog. you will get over it hopefully.

torturing my mother

2008-06-18T18:49:00.003-04:00

I called my mom this morning and this was the conversation…keep in mind that she as work…at a daycare

Me: hey
Mom: what's up?
Me: did you not win the lottery last night?
Mom: it's tonight
Me: oh, well I hope you win it tonight
Mom: why, what's going on?
Me: I hate my life and my job and I am feeling somewhat suicidal
Mom: BROOKE…are you serious? Don't say that!
Me: okay, okay…I am feeling a little HOMICIDAL…my bad. You know I love myself too much to take my own life.
Mom: I am at work and you are bugging me with this
Me: I am just sayin…you need to win the lottery or things could get ugly. People with fat asses have no business in orange jumpsuits so I would hate to end up having to wear one for the rest of my life.
Mom: (laughing) God you are crazy
Me: Well I am a product of you and dad
Mom: well you are just like your dad
Me: Really I just wanted to say happy Wednesday!…have you checked out Bonnie and Adam's wedding registry…why the hell do they need all those knives?
Mom: Brooke…I have got to go
Me: Wait, mom…I think I am going to marry a Mexican for money.
Mom: Jesus.
Me: that's his name!!!
Mom: bye brooke
Me: I love you!
Mom: uh, huh

your wildest dreams

2008-06-17T18:16:00.004-04:00

here's an email i sent a few friends...apparently i feel the need to share it with you guys.

subject line: story time

Well, it wasn't really going to be story time but I just can't stand the fact that none of my friends are with me on this. The song "Your Wildest Dreams" by the Moody Blues came out in 1986. Growing up my parents belonged to a country club-not because we were hoity toity, but because my dad wanted to get wasted and go golfing all the time, and because my mom wanted to get a tan by the pool while smoking her 100's and "watching" the kids. So that was the during 80's. The lifeguards were high schoolers. So what music was always blaring from the boombox at the pool? 80's pop. So…I hear this song the other day on the way home from work and was like, "oh my god…I LOVE this song…I have to remember it so I can download it!" But of course, my A.D.D. got the best of me and by the time I got home I couldn't even remember one line from the song. So…this morning a song angel whispered in my ear, "hey brooke, turn off your Willy Mason CD and put on 95.7". And what do you know…that song was playing! So I found it, but have yet to find anyone who even remembers it other than me. Anyone? Oh…and listen past the long ass intro…before you go…what the fuck is this crap?? God I am so gay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP6-j9pxTGI

much to my excitement, caroline responded saying that she has home videos with this song in the background. and matt responded saying that it's in his itunes library. we were destined to all move together.

my weekend of luxury

2008-06-17T17:31:00.007-04:00

you know, i think if i had kids and my life was boring it would be a lot easier to go to work. but it’s not. my life is fun, because i make sure to have fun. and if i didn’t have as much fun as i possibly could (especially on the weekends), i would probably have killed myself by now…although i am not the suicidal type because i would hate to cut the cord the day before i won the lotto or something. well, this weekend was great, and i feel like giving you a run-down (with pictures) because anything else i would have to talk about right now would be considered bitching, and i am not in the mood to do that…i know, crazy huh?

i got off at noon friday. a couple of guys (we’ve worked together for 6 years) and i planned the half-day about a month in advance. every time we go out to lunch we stare at the bar at whatever restaurant that we chose and talk about how lovely it would be to indulge in some adult beverages rather than return to work. and although some people have a couple of beers on their lunch breaks, i cannot be one of those people for two reasons: 1. there is no such thing as me having just a couple of beers, and 2. my employer paid for my rehab so coming back with the slightest hint of booze on my breath would put me right in the unemployment line.

so anyways, we took off at noon and hit the bar. i was trying to maintain, so i could stay out all night, but still tied on a good buzz by 4pm. we saw a guy get hit by a car. he was crossing the street and some woman hit him. he popped up, probably because of the adrenaline, and she happened to be a nurse, so she forced him to get in the car and took him to the hospital. but so many people sitting on the deck of the place has already called 911 so minutes later there was an ambulance, fire truck, the works. so that was exciting. then, because my coworkers are good boys with responsibilities to tend to, i called a friend who was still at work and told him to make up a reason to leave…like my car had broken down and i was on the side of the road…and he did.

so, we went back to the bar. 30 minutes later, an old friend from rehab called and wanted to hang out. he came and picked me up, we dabbled in some things, then went back to the bar. wow…could i just keep my ass seated for 10 minutes? then the heavy drinking ensued. i was toasted by around 10, and my rehab buddy needed to leave by then to ‘meet up with someone’ before we went back to my place. so, after this little transaction, we get to my apartment and dabble some more. i won’t name specifics, but it starts with an ‘x’ but sounds like it starts with a ‘z’. wow, that’s a hard one to figure out…haha. the next thing i know it’s around 1 or 2 in the morning…and i don’t really remember the conversation, but i know we started watching some movie.

i wake up saturday and my bedroom looks like a tornado had swept through it. there were movies everywhere, a pair of my friend’s shorts, beer cans, the works. all i knew is that i was hungry and hadn’t gotten much sleep. so then what do i decide i should do, but head to the beach!

(i know there are no pics yet...i don't think i was in any condition to use a camera up to this point. and we know what happened to my last one.)

jarrett and i drove to st. george, about an hour from edisto and got a hotel room. we were there by around 7 (we got a late start because my saturday, up until about 3 pm was a big blur and completing simple tasks, such as showering, took 5 times as long). we got some dinner, beer and huge bottles of wine (well, really wild vines…so alcoholic fruit juice) and tied on a buzz.And then we decide to go swimming. there was a set of parents and their daughter who was probably about 5. it was around 9:30 and we were hoping they would leave, but instead the dad stood over the little girl in his business casual attire giving her a minute by minute countdown up until 10 pm...the time the pool closed. it was so fucking annoying i wanted to take my beer bottle and slam it in his face. calm down people...they were plastic bottles. like i would EVER bring glass around a pool and potentially harm an innocent child or other pool-goer. so, the pool was supposed to close at 10 but since when do i follow any rules? when we finally returned to the room we played my version of circle of death (which, by the way, is the best version ever), some high low, had some drunken conversation then passed out. did i mention that i absolutely love staying in hotels? apparently in the pic below i was too drained to actually wrap my lips around the bottle and was hoping it would just creep it's way into my mouth.and here we have some stupid shit that we always seem to do...like jarrett drinking a beer from my monkey feet.sunday morning we woke up, showered, and were ready to check out and hit the beach. jarrett couldn’t get his car to crank (because of the handy interlock breathalyzer thingy) but somehow i was able to. thank freakin god. so we head to the beach, and bask in the sun…for hours…and hours. we swam a few times, and at one point i swam right into a rock. so there i am swimming around thinking…shit, that kinda hurt. finally i pulled up my knee to see a huge gash in it. it was gushing blood so fortunately there weren’t any hungry sharks around.

and here's why i love edisto. on the way to and fro you will pass about 40 fucking churches, a trailer that is up on about 25 feet of cinder blocks, and this tacky ass tree that someone always decorates. it makes me happy. like, if i go one time and it's not there has this person lost hope or died, or does it just represent the end of back woods coastal towns altogether? that would be sad. we need a little less miami and a little more edisto.
ahh...the beautiful drive.

we left just in time for a wonderful storm to roll in, after hours of swimming in the salty water, enjoying the ocean breeze and absorbing a month's worth of vitamin d. what a perfect weekend!

tha simpsoooonssss...

2008-06-13T12:21:00.001-04:00

i was just randomly thinking about how crazy it is that they have a different couch gag w/ each episode. i mean, i know bart writes something different on the chalkboard and lisa sometimes plays something different on the sax and the cash register display changes often when maggie is swiped. but the couch shit is the greatest.

back to craig!

2008-06-13T07:17:00.003-04:00

I used to do a weekly craigslist post…then after 3 weeks I got tired of it. Well, since I am bored at work and had read all the shitty journalism I could take for one day, I decided to peruse the never disappointing 'missed connections' section of craigslist. And let me just say that I don't know if it's because I haven't read them in a while, or because the warm weather makes the idiots come out, but I didn't have to look further than the first listings. Someday soon I am going to respond to one of these retards. I am sure it would provide endless amounts of entertainment.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/717512214.html
first off, you were in a mcdonald's. secondly, you were in a mcdonald's talking about someone who worked behind the counter. thirdly, you were in a mcdonald's and laughing and having a good ol' time at the expense of a poor employee. if you want to mingle go to a bar. and what's up with the "nothing will probably come of this as i'm attached" malarky? don't you mean, "nothing will probably ever come of this because you will never give me the time of day because i sat in a mcdonald's peering over the edge of my newspaper so i could gaze at your beautiful ketchup-filled smile"?

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/716813530.html
oh my god. so…you just told the world that when you were 32 you had a fling with some trailer-trash 19 year-old who had a baby and a wal-mart working man. you are the cream of the crop (there is none higher...i get eleven points, oh sorry). she would be absolutely crazy not to respond to you. oh, and what part of sc did you disappear to? i mean, there isn’t one area of the state that would take more than 4 or 5 hours to get to, so if she was all that great why didn’t you keep in touch? oh, because you are fucking stupid.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/717372225.html
um…what kind of man notices an attractive female and actually knows the color of her shirt, purse AND shoes. this is scary. and not scary in the stalkerish kind of way, but the “i am a gay man who needs an attractive female to bring to my sister’s wedding so the family doesn’t know i am a homo” kind of way. you are in home depot looking at a bitch’s shoes. shame on you. go build something.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/717312295.html
buddy, you probably did yourself a favor by not attempting to ask for her number because if you speak anywhere close to how you write you would have looked like the biggest fucking retard east of the mississippi.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/716896690.html
i just don’t get it. please…if anyone does, clue me in. so you met the girl in line getting a beer three years ago. i don’t remember people that i met at the bar last night. if someone has that much of an impact then shouldn’t you make it known right at that moment? are these people trying to live out some sleepless in seattle type fantasy? did he have a herpes outbreak at that time, then get into a car wreck that resulted in amnesia that he just recovered from? was he married and making a list of all the girls he wanted to slip the dick to just in case he was ever again available, and now that he is divorced he is diving in? i mean, what is it? god, hopeless romantics make me want to puke.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mis/716576762.html
wow. i think i might have to end with this one. it’s just too much. people are really just this retarded. these are the kind of people who bring children in to our world. that’s just disgusting.

college, jumping, lindsay and asian children

2008-06-11T09:05:00.000-04:00

i was going back to college, and i already lived near campus, but i wanted to live on campus. i think this was mainly because i was remembering all the fun i had in the dorm my freshman year-the only year i actually did live on campus. and since my parents were paying, i was also thinking that they would be paying room and board, and clearly that would save me a lot of money in rent.

but something went wrong with that whole plan. i was originally in a dorm room, but then there were arguments about what color to paint the walls. i wanted them green but everyone else wanted them purple or peach. peach? what? and for some reason there were four people to a room. so you could say this was nothing like an actual college dorm-room experience.

i went looking for a house to rent and ran into this guy that i knew. he was an older black man who worked one of those jobs that has you driving around a white pick-up with all kinds of equipment in the back. the steering wheel was in the middle of the dash, rather than the left side, so it was crowded and i felt like i was mashed up against the door.

we came to an old 3 story house that had been in the town since my freshman year. it was surrounded by homes that college students rented, but this house was still occupied by its original owners-two really, really old fucks. i never understood how they put up with the college chaos. anyways, they had finally died and immediately the house was being renovated so it could be rented out to students. the second floor was stripped down to the studs and it was full of helium tanks that had been left behind by the owners. weird. what the hell did they need all those for?

my nameless friend who was driving me around let me out and i ran up the stairs of the house onto the roof, then jumped. i landed gracefully. this was obviously a hobby of ours.
i got back in the truck and we came up on another huge house currently being renovated. it was across the street from a house that i actually lived in when i was in college (in real life). my friend pierce, who lived in the house with me, was sitting on the porch when we pulled up across the street.

the only reason we stopped was to jump off the roof. i climbed the ladder and when i went to jump i had to stop myself. it seemed too far down. there was no way i could jump without hurting myself. i tried different corners of the house and still couldn’t do it. from across the street i hear pierce yelling for me to jump. i told him it was too far. he kept taunting. suddenly, there is this cheerleader running across the street from his house, saying that she would do it. suit yourself.

she got closer and i realized it was actually lindsay lohen. why the fuck is she in my dream? who knows, but i hate her and most cheerleaders. she runs up to the roof where i am and never stops and just runs and jumps off the house and lands really hard. so hard it appeared that her lower body was completely squashed…like she was an accordion. everyone gasped and just froze, waiting for her to move. her lower body didn’t actually retract into her upper body. instead, it was buried in the earth. the guy who had been driving me around pulled her out and her feet looked like they belonged on a rag doll. they were just sitting there all twisted around. she got up to try to walk and puss started shooting out her ankles. it was bizarre.

after that i was sitting in the clock tower smoking a joint. and i had a sleeping bag and a few personal items in there. i am assuming that i had made it my new home. i never went to class, and i don’t even know what i was studying.

then i was at a basketball game in some high school gym and had a run-in with an asian lady and her two children. it was absolutely retarded.

if i were to analyze this dream here’s what i would think it meant:
i want to be back in college (this is very, very true)
maybe the big jump represents something too risky in my actual life that will end up being a bad idea???
i hate pop culture and the people who emulate it
i want to be alone and high
i hate children-i don’t know why they were asian in this case

free obama sticker!

2008-06-11T06:29:00.000-04:00

just that...a free obama bumper sticker.

nkot-b-arf me

2008-06-10T17:36:00.002-04:00

i remember when i was 9 or so and the new kids on the block were hot on the scene. i LOVED them. don't quit reading...please let me try to redeem myself after the gayest sentence ever. i was fucking NINE YEARS OLD. i had a crush on joey. i had a poster of him in my room, and when i had collected enough NKOTB cards i formed a heart around the poster of joey with them. it was disgusting, and every young girl's dream back in 1988.

my brother would always give me shit about them. he was 10. he thought they were gay and verbalized his disgust with every breath he took. i defended them as though they were my babies' daddies. my friends and i would swoon over the fab 5 and argue about who was the cutest. and still to this day, i know that i have absolutely nothing in common with anyone whose favorite was danny. i mean, he looked like a fucking monkey with his long ass face and big ears. it's kinda like now when i meet someone who never really 'got' the simpsons or doesn't have any interest in the family guy. we just weren't meant to come into each other's lives.

when i was in 5th grade we had to perform for music class. me and 4 other girls decided that we were going to be NKOTB and i think the song we chose was step by step. talk about bridging the social gap. i mean...you can't determine who you have music class with, but for the sake of performing as our favorite (and the one and only) boy band, we made it happen.

i'll never forget the useless 4 hours during which we were supposed to be practicing. what we actually did was argue about who would be who, who should sing what part, and who couldn't dance worth shit and needed to stand in the back, until finally our little bitchy selves had had enough of not getting our own way, and called it quits. i ended up singing one of stevie wonder's songs. i sat behind the piano with shades and swayed my head back and forth. and, although the singing was actually pretty good, my teacher thought of it as more of a comedic routine...like i was making fun of stevie. little did she know i was actually a fan and trying to be true to the part.

anyways, the nkotb craze fizzled after a year or two. i owned all the tapes and listened to them forward and back. then finally, i realized that i was a fucking douche. i mean, these guys fucking sucked. there is a lot of music from the 80's that you listen to know and go, "god, what the fuck was everyone thinking?" but when i listen to nkotb i think, "i am seriously, seriously a fucking retard."

so, why am i strolling down memory lane and bringing up such a terrible time in my life during which i betrayed all of my male role models? well, because they are back at it again. and quite frankly, i think it's disgusting that there are probably so many fucking dumb bitches who are all about them, all over again. of course, there are also girls who graduated high school in the 80's or early 90's who can't let go of the big bangs...so i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

the point is, we all have a time in our lives that we are ashamed of. the time during which i adored this disaster of flaming teenage boys would be mine. ban the boy band!

about a fart...

2008-06-09T18:26:00.002-04:00

perhaps you read this post which gives you a slight background of why farts are funny to me...not rude or disgusting. well, wait, they can be disgusting...but whatever.

well today, when i arrived at work i had separate emails from my mom and dad. it was one of those emails with a bunch of random questions, that you complete and send and the idea is for people to respond with their answers.

one of the questions was "what is your favorite sound", to which my dad responded, "a good fart". i laughed until i cried, then i called my mom to tell her and she was like, "um, i'm at work".

then later, i came across this site, and well, all i can say is that's fucking hilarious. whenever i am missing my dad (or my friend jeremy), i can just go there and pull a finger all day long and listen to the sounds of flatulence.

not so slack, just retarded

2008-06-09T18:04:00.002-04:00

so i know for those of you who stopped by the last 3 days it appeared that i was being slack again. really, i was just being retarded again. as you can see now, there were posts that i had written but just never hit the little 'publish post' button. wow...the brain swims in the booze...swimmy, swim, swim.

that just reminded me of this really fun local band called the alternative champs. they always dress in theme and their songs are retarded and catchy. i think one time i saw them they were all dressed as astronauts, then another time they were dressed as gorillas and i think one guy was tarzan??? oh, how my memory fades me.

the song, swimming in the pool, is one that i always laugh at. i can't find the lyrics, but here's something else about them that will give you a better idea about them. so yeah...they say swimmy, swim, swim in that song...so that's how we ended up here.

fuck the heat

2008-06-08T20:35:00.000-04:00

it's HOT outside. REALLY, REALLY hot. so, it's the time when most people go swimming or hit the beach, or just lay around in the air conditioning, eat ice cream and watch movies. but what do i do when the temperature for the past 2 days breaks the 100 degree mark? apparently make myself miserable. well, it's not all my fault.

the morning started with me cleaning out my car before going to work. then, when i realized that i needed my badge to get in the building since it's a freakin sunday, i locked the car and headed back inside. oh, but no i didn't. no...instead i locked my keys in my car. so now i am standing in the sweltering heat with no way to get into my apartment or my car. i called my roommate who was asleep inside about 12 times and then remembered that he is a zombie. so i walked to the store to get a water, sat on the stoop getting glared at by bums--because apparently the only people who are just chillin in this god-awful weather are bums who have no where else to go and therefore they assumed i was down for making small talk or, i don't know, sharing my crack--, and called around until a coworker finally came to my rescue. he drove me to work and let me in the building with his badge. i figured that in the time i was working jarrett would surely wake up and be able to come get me. haha.

i was ready to leave work by 3. i hadn't eaten all day. all i had done up to this point was clean out my car in the heat, sit outside in the heat, and fucking work on a fucking sunday. well, of course it would be my luck that jarrett's car wouldn't start. great. and conveniently, just about everyone else under the sun that i know in this town was either out of town for a friend's wedding that i unfortunately missed, or hungover and inside avoiding the 101 degree temp, not answering their phones. finally, around 5, jarrett's car started. then we get home. then, THEN...the fucking power goes out.

okay, so let me paint this picture for you. our apartment building was built in the 1800's. it's full of lead paint and window units. go figure. there's a tiny one in my bedroom and a larger one in the living room. the one in my bedroom can barely combat the fact that the THREE windows in the room are the ones original to the building, and allow heat to seep in faster than the little window unit can cool it. when i go to bed i have to lay motionless with no blanket and all my limbs spread out as to make sure that i don't break a sweat.

and now, after one of my most miserable days, THE FUCKING POWER GOES OUT. it literally was fucking 93 degrees in our apartment. i wanted to rip my hair out. i wanted to sit in the tub and use every last drop of charlotte's cold water. and the power went out the day before too. this was an ongoing problem the whole weekend. the maintenance men were walking around clueless going, "well, we just put the third and last fuse in...they keep blowing". well, here's a fucking idea. why don't you realize that something is actually causing the fuse to blow and fucking figure out what it is. god, i guess fixing the actual SOURCE of the problem would make too much god damn sense. not to mention, he left after replacing that third (and final) fuse, and our power was still not on. fortunately, now it is. i can go another day without going postal.

so yeah, that's it. summer days are here again, and i cannot wait to move to an area of higher elevation and cooler temps.

will 2 girls 1 cup ever go away?

2008-06-06T17:50:00.004-04:00

okay. if you haven't seen 2 girls 1 cup, i would say don't watch it. but if you are like me, then by the end of this you are going to search for it until you find it and watch it, then realize why i warned you not to. i only watched it because i was sick and fucking tired of hearing about it and not having a fucking clue what the hype was all about. that, and my friend, rick, was insistent upon me viewing the fucking thing. so...when i finally watched it i did what everyone else does--scream and gag. well, wait, i am sure there are several sick fucks who beat off to the damn thing...but there are also people who fuck sheep so go figure.

last week--months after our learning about it and finally watching it--jarrett sent me this link. quite hilarious. today i was deleting old emails, came across the link and decided to send it to a few people. i copied the link.

and then i got distracted. and then i talked to a patient's mother. and then i think that i copied a note that i wrote documenting details regarding the patient's treatment status, opened the patient notes page in the database and hit ctrl+V then save, then...BUM, BUM, BUUUUM...i see that what i actually copied and pasted and SAVED into this patient's fucking file was the link to the 2 girls 1 cup cake.

hey...no biggie right? wrong. this information can't be removed. it downloads to the pharmaceutical company's website for provider's to access and check the patient's status. so now, whoever has any reason to check this patient's status (e.g. anyone of my coworkers or managers, the pharmaceutical sales force, the doctor's office) they will see the link, think it has something to do with the patient's file, click it and bam....they will get a picture of a cake with 2 girls making out and a solo cup of icing feces. great.

fuck it. i wanted a way out of the corporate world anyways. now i just sit and bide my time.

fake boobs do not equal great service

2008-06-05T17:59:00.003-04:00

it really sucks when you like a place but you don’t like the staff. there’s a bar that we walk to on occasion that is small, dark, and full of men. the reason it’s full of men is because all of the bartenders are tiny girls with big fake boobs, fake hair, and fake tans. and you know, even if a man really isn’t in to the whole “fake” thing that doesn’t mean he doesn't enjoy eye candy. but let me just be clear; i am not one of those jealous bitches. i would never envy someone who feels the need to get attention by emulating barbie. what i do have a problem with is when the staff is so fucking stupid you can’t get good service.

last night we were at this place. we sat at a bar table. i ordered drinks from the bar. i sat down. we drank the beers. i went to the bar and ordered 2 more. we drank those. i went to the bar and ordered 2 more. we drank those. a friend of mine called for directions to the place. i was on the phone with him for at least 10 minutes. i went to the bar and ordered two shots of tequila and 2 more beers. we drank those. i went outside and walked to the corner to meet up with my friend. we walked inside and sat down. he ordered a beer from the bar. the point is…a good hour (or two) had passed, when one of the servers comes up to our table and asked if we needed anything. i let her know that we have been ordering from the bar, but then (being a former waitress and just the unbelievably polite person that i am) asked her if we are at her table. she says yes, and she would prefer that we close out at the bar and open a tab with her. we oblige.

and now, seriously, 35 minutes, 35 MINUTES LATER, she comes up and says that she is getting off for the night so we need to close our tabs with her so she can get the tip. okay. i know this happens. i know in bars with shift changes this shit happens. and i always close out and open a new one so the original bartender/server doesn’t get the shaft. but come the fuck on. you make us close our tabs at the bar and open one with you when you know that your shift ends in 35 fucking minutes???? where was your stupid ass the first 2 hours that i made 8 trips to the bar? oh yeah, you were in the bathroom piddly fucking around with your hair extensions and admiring your ass in the mirror. fucking cunt.

interruption.
this guy just walked into my cube and i have my hoodie pulled up over my head and this is how the conversation went

him: what’s wrong with you
me: i drank too much last night
him: you went out last night and didn’t call me?
me: yep. do i ever call you?
him: i see how it is
me: well i am glad we are both clear on the subject
him: shouldn’t you be taking it easy?
me: probably…this bone on my head really hurts (history side note: when i jumped off a waterfall a couple of years ago i hit my head on a rock which resulted in a concussion, contusion, some surface hemorrhaging of the brain and 2 black eyes. i hit the middle of my forehead…like the right brow bone, but oddly enough, there is now this part of my skull that sticks out on the left side of my forehead. it’s like a knot, but it’s a bone. and it keeps shifting and sticking out more. you only notice if you are at the right angle…but still…i think i am growing a devil horn or something)
him: that’s weird
me: i wonder if like my skull is like the earth and the platelets are moving and there’s about to be an earthquake and all my hair is going to fall out
him: whoa, platelets…you just took it back to some earth science
me: god…i forgot all about earth science…that was ages ago
him: like, at least 10 years
me: how old are you, like 16?
him: when i took earth science my teacher was really fat and when she did the lesson on earthquakes she got up on her desk and jumped off
at this point i laugh hysterically and really, really loudly.
me: no she didn’t
him: yes she did…it was hilarious.
me: how did that measure on the rictor scale?
him: you know what else was funny…another one of my teachers slipped and fell and hit her face on the corner of the desk and had a black eye for a really long time.
me: black eyes are awesome
him: i am going to go do some work
me: get away from me

okay…we can now resume with the bartenders saga.
so…we close our tabs with the server, but another one doesn’t appear, so we go back up to the bar. at this point i am told that i can’t open a tab since i am not at the bar, which is amazing because i just had one 40 minutes prior. but whatever. so then i just had to pay for the drinks and close out. then the bud select people showed up and gave us free beer so that saved me from another trip. but, because of these idiots, i now have four freaking bar tabs from this place! assholes. and so conveniently, i had to call the bank this morning because something funny was going on when i tried to make an online purchase, and the woman was like, well let’s go through the most recent transactions and see if they are valid…
that was a fun conversation.

adam sandler

2008-06-05T00:33:00.002-04:00

okay. i am drunk. i just happened to come across this article while i sit and wait for my lean pocket to cool to a temperature that won't burn off my tongue.

and let me just say...i hate when ANY shit is talked about this actor. let's be realistic people. he's a saturday night live-er. what is up with the people who judge him so harshly? what is up with people analyzing the character THAT HE PLAYS? hey, have you ever heard of a thing called comedy? have you ever heard of a thing called entertainment? that is why we have people like adam sandler (and jim carrey). if you're worried about his depiction of american men then go fuck yourself. i hope you make it long enough to see us all go down in a nuclear fury.

okay...i am getting out of control. but seriously...when did people get so fucking serious? if you want to critique take a look at someone like jack nicholson. i mean...i know that he has had his fair share of laid back roles more recently...but his career didn't start off in the lime light of saturday night sketch comedy. and you know what this bitch said to me at the gym the other night? as good as it gets was on one of the tv's...and she literally was like, oh, this is a cute movie but he is such an asshole in real life. REALLY?? oh, so you know him? you have had a dinner party or two, to which he was invited, and i guess he showed up and shit on your floor and used your doily to wipe his ass with? and even if he is an asshole...who the fuck cares. guess what, johnny carson was quite the douche and he had no problems raking in the ratings for his late night show. guess who else is a douche? our president. okay...i am going to leave it at that.

the point is...these people are actors. they are famous. adam sandler is the shit. i don't care what anyone says, he is funny, but also very capable of playing a diverse role...just take a look at punch drunk love and reign over me. so for everyone who wants to be the judge and criticize and downplay someone's success...go fuck yourself. who are you anyways? play the lead in one...JUST ONE role, and then tell us how sorry of an actor everyone else is. and let us know when you have found your personality...we would be much more fond of you if you had one.

way to take it back!

2008-06-04T17:50:00.003-04:00

myrtle beach is a dump. there is no reason to go there unless you are a yankee who doesn't know any better, from ohio and have never been on a beach and when you google 'cheap spring break locales' it's the first search result, or you enjoy watching chubby 20-something year old men fondle chubby 16 year old girls. don't get me wrong...i spent a spring break or two in cherry grove which is just north of myrtle, and took my fair share of trips down the main drag, and spent plenty of time hanging over balconies of hotel rooms that belonged to male strangers that were out of high school. but fuck, i was 16...what the hell did i know? oh yeah...and now it's overcrowded as hell.

if you want to go to a beach in sc hit folly or edisto. leave myrtle beach to the nascar fans, harley riders, ghetto ho's and crotch rocket-ers...they absolutely LOVE it and will be happy without your kind there.

okay, but wait, what? what happened? is it so that south carolina's main tourist attraction of the 70's and 80's is taking it back? no...that's dramatic. but they did give me a reason to go down there. shit...i could even stay with my alcoholic yankee aunt who moved down from ny (see...i even make fun of my own people).

i want to ride this ride. i mean, led zeppelin + a roller coaster MUST equal magic. i don't see how it could be described as anything less. so, out goes the old pavilion that was an eye sore for way too long...and in comes a rock n roll thrill ride. sounds good to me!

the new move?

2008-06-04T17:25:00.002-04:00

so...as i mentioned before, nyc might be out of the question for now. during my recent trip to upstate ny, some friends and i talked about it, and turns out that they want to move down south. so...i really, really want to move to the city. but if a few of the people that are nearest and dearest to me want to move down here...then i could surely try that out. i mean, my friends are the most important thing to me. i love my family and all...but they don't really get kicks out of an alcoholic who dives off waterfalls. they would prefer me to chill and make babies...and that's just not going to happen. also...we were all thinking about moving to asheville...and that's an awesome city.

today i sent these friends an email, and now it's going here...mainly because i didn't write anything else today because i was really busy. but also because it's a story from a trip i took to asheville a couple of years ago, and i love to reminisce.

I couldn't go to sleep last night for 2 reasons:

A. I was sober
B. I am like a child who gets excited about things and then thinks about them all night and last night, since Caroline was the last person I talked to before trying to sleep and we talked about Asheville (of course)…well, moving was on my mind.

I know we were griping about how the men aren't going to stay focused. So, because I am probably the most persistent person you will ever meet, you are each going to get a "reason to move to Asheville" email every day that I am at work. So…that's roughly 107 days until the move…obviously vacation days and weekends are not included because on the weekends and during my vacations (during which I will be with you guys for the most part) I will harass you face to face. Wow. If I got an email like this I would probably think, "this bitch is retarded". Oh but wait…I kinda am.

REASON #1 TO MOVE TO ASHEVILLE
The bums are super cool.

One weekend my friend Tanner and I went to Asheville. It was snowy and cold and we tied on a buzz like no other. In downtown Asheville there are buildings that have glass foyers that you can go in even when all the interior businesses are closed. So on this night when we left the bar at closing time we decided to hang out in one of the foyers. Tanner and I like to sing in harmony-usually Christmas carols when it's nowhere near Christmas. So, we started singing and realized that the acoustics in this little human aquarium were AWESOME. So we sang and sang. There were railings that I walked on like tight ropes which resulted in a lot of bruising (imagine that).

In walks this bum who says, "you got $2.12"? Tanner and I tell him yes but we want to know what he needs it for. So he explains that there is this gas station down the road where you can get 2 hot dogs, a bag of chips and a soda for $2.12. We are very impressed by this insane deal so our drunk asses talk about it for at least 4 minutes. We asked the bum all kinds of questions. So wait, you get 2 hot dogs, a bag of chips AND a soda? Are you sure you just don't get one hot dog and a bag of chips and a soda OR 2 hot dogs and a soda? Do they have chili? Are the buns warm? Are they GOOD hot dogs? How do they make any money…I mean, I know hot dogs are cheap but when you factor in chili, relish, ketchup, mustard, onions, buns…not to mention chips and a soda...

Finally we tell the bum that we will give him the money if he listens to us sing "The Rose" in harmony, like having us play 20 questions wasn't enough torture to endure. I mean…any bum in Charlotte would have spit on us by this point…seriously. So, he responds saying that he would love to hear us sing and that he LOVES that song. And we are like, um…you know that song? It turns out he was thinking of a completely different song. We finish singing and he appears to be impressed. I guess he thought that the $2.12 was riding on whether or not he complimented our skills. But then…just when you think the torture is over, I scream, "wait!! Now listen to us sing Going to the Chapel". Oh my god. I should have been put in bed by this point…and the bum should have already been enjoying a hot dog or two. When we were done the guy was all excited and was like, "you guys are engaged, congratulations". Tanner and I played along and I talked about plans to have 7 children and live on the side of an active volcano. He might have been the nicest and most patient man on the face of the earth. Either that or he was REALLY, REALLY hungry.

The point is this: If you are going to live somewhere that there are bums (so, like basically anywhere) then it might as well be a place where the bums are cool.

thoughts in random

2008-06-03T17:22:00.002-04:00

they float through my mind. today they were written down.

-i have been a slack blogger lately. some people got worried and sent emails to find out if everything was alright. i am alive and kickin people!

-don't see the strangers. i mean, see it if you really want to, but only if you are a die hard liv tyler fan (she was good) or if you still want to after you read this: the "true event" on which movie the is based is the fact that a stranger knocked on the writer's door when he was little and asked for someone who didn't live there. other than that it is based on the fact that there are home invasions that result in fatalities. i thought i had a heart attack once throughout the film and that's when she is hiding in the pantry in the kitchen so i just ruined that one for you. other than that it's just knocking on doors, people wearing masks, yelps and old ass records playing. oh, and the underlying plot about the fact that the girl had just turned down her boyfriend's proposal. the preview shows you everything you need to know.

-i just gave blood because i like to give life. but i am also prochoice so i have no beef with those who choose to take it away.

-the plans to move to nyc might be changing for several reasons. i might let you know what those are one day but i am not in the mood right now. don't worry though...the reasons aren't bad, and are mainly involving people that i love to death.

-and about the stupidity of corporate america: my PTO accrues monthly. obviously if i am requesting time off in JULY i might not yet have the hours to cover the 4 DAYS OFF because it's now the beginning of JUNE, and time doesn't accrue until mid-month. therefore, if i put in a request for 4 days off while only having 17 available hours, but i will accrue 28 MORE by the time i am actually using the days...then maybe you shouldn't be such a retard and deny the time for a lack of PTO.

let's do the math...

current PTO=17 hours

june accrual=14 hours

july accrual=14 hours

total PTO by mid july=45

time requested off AFTER july accrual=28 hours

PTO remaining after vacation days in july=17 hours

see what i mean? why should i have to explain this to someone?

-if every day went by as fast as today, then i might never complain about working again. wait, maybe i should have waited until the end of the day to say that because now i am sure the last hour is going to drain the hell out of me.

-i have to get this for my friend jeremy. he's going to be 30 (i think) in august, but he still likes to pick his nose...for humor's sake. EVE...keep it on the low down.

-it's time for me to go home now. thank god...i made it through another day on my knees all to pay back student loans for an education that has gotten me nowhere. oh wait, i pay rent and stuff too, but i really could be a permanent couch surfer and the government wouldn't track me down. it's the loans that will get ya!

i need side rails for my bed

2008-05-29T15:56:00.002-04:00

did you know that you are more likely to be killed by falling out of bed than by freezing to death? i just find this really hard to believe. i mean, do that many people fatally fall 2-5 feet to the floor? is there are secret underworld of people who require homes with cathedral ceilings so their beds can stand 25 feet tall?

okay, so your chance of falling out of bed and dying are only 1 in 2 million, but with 6.7 billion people in the world that means that 3350 have been killed by falling out of their beds. that just seems a little ridiculous to me. maybe the "fall" was actually a little push by a frustrated nurse? perhaps the father of a toddler had just had enough and "forgot" to reattach the side rail for the top bunk?

so...you have the same chance of death by tornado or death by lightening as death by falling out of bed. i just can't wrap my head around this one. and wouldn't you think that more people would freeze to death? i mean, think of all the hikers and campers and ice fishers. think about avalanches and children who climb into refrigerators (like that one episode of punky brewster). think about people who go to saranac lake without a sleeping bag and get so wasted that they pass out in the cold air. oh wait, i survived. maybe it is harder to freeze to death. but think about all the mother's who freeze their babies. it seems like that would occur more often than rolling around during a nightmare, falling off the bed and hitting your temple on the corner of the bedside table hard enough to take your life. bedrooms should be big mattresses. beds are so freakin dangerous.

sugar daddy

2008-05-29T15:48:00.002-04:00

sugar daddy. mmm, that’s a good candy. but the sugar babies are better. but that’s not what i am talking about.

on my way to the airport tuesday caroline and i stopped for lunch and a couple of beers. we were talking about how one of us needs to win the lottery. and this is a normal thing with me. i really, really think about winning the lottery more than probably anyone else on the face of this earth. you know when you ask someone what they would do if they won the lottery and they are like, “um…i don’t know”, or, “um…i would quit my job”? well, if you ask me that question i would ask, “how much”. then when you told me my answer (depending on the amount) I would either be like, “invest 10 million for each of my family members, buy an island, call my 30 closest friends and tell them to quit their jobs, and get the hell out of town while i figure out what to do with the rest”, or, “quit my job and head north to hang out with friends”. anyways, i have seriously contemplated it. but there’s one major problem. i never play it. I plan on starting tomorrow. That is unless my mom calls me tonight and tells me that she finally won.

so i have never been the type of girl who could do the whole “sugar daddy” thing. i mean, it’s just disgusting to me. i hate for anyone to have control over me so the fact that i would have to be some old fart’s little bitch for his money just doesn’t seem worth it. but i cannot accept the endless cycle of the 9-5. it torments me. it’s like our society was built around the fact that people are either stupid or willing to settle. i am not one of these people. i mean, i go to work so i can pay my bills, but i can’t, or won’t accept the fact that this is really what i am supposed to be doing. so i am constantly looking for a way out. tuesday, sitting in the restaurant, i thought i had finally decided that the way out would be a rich old man.

at the self check-in at the airport, i was alerted that there was a $25 upgrade to first-class available. i took it. i figured i would drink enough to make up for the difference. so there i was in my cozy, reclined, cushiony first-class seat, surrounded by old white business men. there was one other young girl, but that was it. At this point I hadn’t thought of the correlation between the conversation caroline and I had just had, and the fact that I am now in first class surrounded by potential sugar daddy's.

at one point the man in front of me got up to use the bathroom. he had to stand and wait. and while he was standing and waiting he apparently had nothing better to do than stare at me. i had my shades on so who knows if he was aware that i caught him-it might have been his intention. either way, it was obvious and a quite ridiculous. piss already…fuck!

we land and all stand, waiting to be let off the plane. at this point the man in front of me turns around to me, and while motioning to the other young girl and the old-ass man that she is with, says, “girlfriend or daughter”? i respond, “girlfriend”. he laughs and says he was thinking the same, then i said that’s usually the case. then he pulled something else out of his ass to say as though we hadn’t already adequately covered that topic.

he asks if i am from charlotte and i say yes. he then says that he is in town on business a lot and would love to buy me drinks in exchange for me keeping him company and showing him around town. wake up brooke. here’s a possible sugar daddy. drinks can lead to plane tickets and trips to hawaii. but before i can even process the invite i say, “no”. he presses the issue and i say no again and let him know that my ride is on the way to the airport. he then asks, “boyfriend” and i say, “none of your business”.

so there you have it folks. i am destined to live a endless cycle through which i constantly mull over ways to be able to successfully pay bills without being a prisoner of the cube farm. at least i won’t be sucking wrinkly balls while doing so. damn my parents for raising me to be such an honest, moral being.