this just in...the gyno update

in the tradition of offering too much information, i thought i would share some details of my dreaded visit to the gyno. first off, i don't know why they give you a smock to wear and a sheet to put over yourself if they are just going to undo the smock and remove the sheet as soon as they come in the room. but whatever, the bitches were about to be staring into my woman cave so who cares.

while this doctor (who up to this point i didn't think was so bad) was rubbing my boobs, she comments on my tattoos and then mentions that she is a USC fan. and for all of you who aren't from the dirty south, that means UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA. seeing as how i was wearing CLEMSON tee during the whole "are you sexually active, do you get pms, do you use contraceptives, oh, so you're a whore" get-to-know you session, i thought it odd that she chose THIS MOMENT (while she had a full frontal view and was molesting my milk mounds) to tell me that she is a fan of the rival team. but whatever. i think they have a good medical program so...
she uses the small speculum. good, good. she tells me that everything looks great and that my cervix is "nice and pink". she could have told me it was purple. what is this information supposed to mean to me??

but then, after what seems like half a warning, she shoves her fingers inside me...although it felt more like the fat end of the baseball bat. i mean, i know it's strictly business here, but the vag is not meant to be penetrated agressively without a little prep. perhaps i could have had a second to breath or something?

so i scream when she does it, and she just responds by saying that she has to feel around and to let her know if i feel any pinching or sharp pain. um, yeah, i thought that's what i was doing when i yelled and clenced up like a fucking pit bull's jaw around a steak.
moral of the story, i survived...and there is nothing strange hanging out in my vagina. GREAT!

so what has come from this wonderful day at the pussyologist? well, i know my shit is clean and sexy einstein, who thinks i am stupid and hates the fact that i use my actual name here on the world wide web has decided to nickname me Pap Smear. great. OH, and i am on birth control now so i aunt flo won't be beating down my door, bleeding on my parade for 7 days each fucking month. hip, hip.....

hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!