random bits

my brain is basically fried today. i want to be lazier than i have ever allowed myself to be. and now that i am home from a grueling day at the office, i can do exactly that. rather than actually thinking, i am just going to share some bits of my day.

the first thing i heard when i woke up this morning was some guy outside my window trying to freestyle. let me just say that he made me laugh hysterically. i think i was still drunk. but anyways, here's his little ditty.

it's the tryon house
how 'bout a hand shake?
i mean a hand snake
what's a hand snake?
it's my snake in your hand babe
i'll slap yo mamma!

absolutely profound

i really don't get the new saturn sports car. i mean, it's a SATURN.

i am not a mother, and i never plan to be, so maybe i should just shut my trap. yeah, like that's going to happen. i can't fucking stand the way people parent their children. in this article, the mother describes the day that her child came to her in distress about his weight problem, begging for her help.


"I weigh more than Rey Mysterio," the professional wrestler, Justin told his mom. "You have to help me! You have to help me!" he pleaded. "We sat and cried for an hour," remembers Boughter, 41, who lives in Medina, Ohio.


why the fuck did you sit and cry for an hour? why didn't you get up and maybe go play some ball in the backyard? maybe you should have realized that 184 lbs is a little beefy for an eight year old. damn.



the director of the new program that i am working on just walked into my cube while i was so conveniently reading an article about getting paid to watch porn. nice.

i like this guy and think we could all learn something from the old geezer.


i want my bed to replace the basket at the bottom of a hot air balloon. i want to go home, take off things that hinder me, like my bra and pants, lay on my bed and be lifted into the air. that's just how tired i am. but it's like that cozy tired. the kind of tired where someone could walk up to me (like my coworker who is borderline stalker) and press their nose against my scalp and would just sit there like an old golden retriever, waiting for the asshole to get away from me. it's like i am sedated. mmmm, i love valium. wait! oh god, how do i drift into drug fantasies???


a girl just walked into my cube telling me that we should both get ourselves pregnant so we can take 6 weeks off. i told that crazy bitch to get her fertility spreading filth out of my fucking cube. jesus. i would just walk the fuck out of here and start giving head to men with sweaty nutsacks before i would ever give myself a life sentence like having a fucking child.


i discovered recently that i can use gmail talk at work. and it's not like the time i downloaded msn's messenger which 2 days later was magically blocked. it's so much more convenient to communicate with your friends this way. especially when the coversation is really important, like the one jarrett and i had today.

jarrett: hi!
jarrett: i keep forgetting about gmail chat
brooke: hola papi
jarrett: we are about to have our team meeting. i hope it dont last too long, i be farting it up in der
brooke: your butt stinks
jarrett: be back in a few
jarrett: someone is in our meeting room, so i am in limbo
brooke: dear lord, my tummy is making sounds.
brooke: you in trouble, uh, you blowin bubbles, huh
brooke: how funny would it be if you could fart into bubbles and then when they went out the window and popped on someone's nose they would get a little burst of your butt.
jarrett: haha
brooke: i wonder if that guy farted on me last night
jarrett: probably
brooke: he was so retarded...and gay.
jarrett: totally. i bet he got arrested or beat up later
brooke: haha...we should check the inmate photos
jarrett: i will if i have time later
brooke: i am on the phone with medicare...oh god they suck
jarrett: i know right, i hate them
brooke: what the hell do you know about medicare
jarrett: IT WAS A JOKE
brooke: i thought maybe yo granny was always fussing about them not covering the removal of her bunions
jarrett: haha. like i would care if my granny was having problems with medicare
brooke: she is evil. i bet she wants obama to be lynched.
jarrett: probably so
brooke: this woman near me keeps talking about gravy and i really think i might puke...
jarrett: ugh
brooke: what is gravy anyways? i mean...like what's it made of?
jarrett: broth and flour to thicken it or corn starch or something
brooke: she doesn't need to be getting anywhere near any gravy.
jarrett: i accidentally closed gmail....did you say anything after i explained what gravy was made out of?
brooke: i want shrimp

jarrett: where should i go for lunch?
brooke: um...i don't know. wherever it is you should bring me something
actually, i think i am going to subway with julien
jarrett: i just read your comment on eastvillageidiots blog about the comma in the starbucks ad and it made me LOL because everyone else is arguing about the damn comma, and then there's yours that just says 'fuck starbucks'
brooke: yeah...and he goes off about it again in the comments but it's not correct or incorrect...it's one of those places that you can or can't use a comma but really, who gives a shit about starbucks anyways? oh, other than you
jarrett: i dont give a shit about starbucks. if they all closed tomorrow i would not care
check your email and look at the scary boy who got arrested
brooke: yeah you would...you and your ipod would be lying outside the locked door crying in your phantom mochachino
oh my god...why did he try to smile...no one needs to see that snaggle tooth!
jarrett: it looks like he might have had a cleft palate and a deformed head
his mama smoked crack
brooke: yeah...i bet he gets laid more than anyone we know
jarrett: ugh
brooke: those gutter whores are good for that
jarrett: im going out side
brooke: enjoy
jarrett: oh i mean outside, sorry chris carararararaara, whatever his name is
brooke: lol
god lol is gay
jarrett: it really is
what if people started saying L O L outloud instead of laughing
brooke: then i would have another reason to spit in people's faces
jarrett: haha
brooke: wait, don't you mean LOL
i haven't looked at apartments in nyc lately
brooke: i feel like a microwaved bag of assholes
jarrett: me too
brooke: but really...do you ever have one of those moments when you have work in front of you and you just can't force yourself to do it. i mean, i am halfway done with 6 patients. all i have to do finish the shit and i am just sitting here wasting time doing absolutely nothing.
jarrett: yes i know what you mean
brooke: i have to shut down...my computer is a fucking schizo
brooke: i can't wait to drink a bunch of milk
jarrett: im on hold
brooke: my brain is on hold
jarrett: are you on hold? lol
brooke: no...just my brain
jarrett: i have things to do, i wish this woman would pick up the dang phone
brooke: my subconscious put my brain on hold because it was about to make a rash decision that would jeopardize my employment
jarrett: haha damn, i mean lol
brooke: there's no music though...so that's kinda lame. what is that song that those weird looking girls sang at jack's the other night?
jarrett: um, what girls?
brooke: those girls that you were defending like they saved your left testicle from a rabid guinea pig
jarrett: oh because you said you didnt like them or something?
brooke: i don't even know them, i am just tired of hearing them sing that snog
jarrett: snog, lol
brooke: what the fuck is the song?
jarrett: if i am thinking of the right people, it is 'rapture' by blondie
brooke: oh okay...that shit has been stuck in my head, but not the blondie version, the weird girls' version and that's not something i want to hear anymore than i have to
brooke: it's almost time. i think leaving work today might be up there with an orgasm