can we trade family dysfunctions?

slate magazine has an "ask prudence" article that i read every now and then, mainly because she is often times a smart ass bitch, although she is supposedly the queen of all manners and morals.

today i came across it and i would like to extend the GOD YOUR LIFE MUST BE REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT AWARD to the person that sent in this question:

Dear Prudie
Would it be considered bad manners to eat popcorn in the following way: to take a handful (about five pieces) from the bowl with one hand and eat the popcorn one piece at a time with the other hand? The reason given for doing it this way is to keep the hand used to eat the popcorn out of the bowl. The reason given to think it is rude is that it is considered hoarding. Are there any given ideas for eating this kind of food from a shared community bowl? My family has been fighting over this for 14 years.
—The Popcorns

give me a minute. i have to gather myself. wow, another laughing fit. okay, so...um, what??? so two logical solutions would be to buy the new mini-bags and each have your own, or just pour it into several bowls or napkins. but MY suggestion would be this: the next time you and your family of crazies gather around a bowl of popcorn, pull down your pants and blow diarrhea into all of their faces. make sure you have taken lots of laxatives and practice a few times beforehand to ensure that you can do this quickly, before they have time to move out of range. that way, you can join the millions of families who fight about things like whether or not uncle johnny really molested tina in the treehouse, why aunt sue got the majority of the inheritance, and now, why beth would do such a thing as defecate on the family popcorn.

see prudie's response (which is a much softer way of saying you are a moron).